Why Are Some People So Mean in a Divorce?
Divorce can bring out the best and worst in people. While many individuals navigate the end of a marriage with grace and a focus on their children’s well-being, others may act in ways that seem mean, vindictive, or overly aggressive. For those on the receiving end, this behavior can be perplexing and painful, leaving them to wonder: Why are some people so mean in a divorce?
Understanding the dynamics of divorce—and the emotional, psychological, and practical pressures that come with it—can shed light on why certain individuals may act out in hurtful ways. Here’s a closer look at some of the factors that can contribute to mean or antagonistic behavior during a divorce.
1. Emotional Turmoil and Grief
Divorce is, at its core, a form of loss, and like any loss, it triggers a range of emotions. Some people may feel overwhelmed by sadness, anger, fear, or anxiety about the future. When these feelings are not processed in healthy ways, they can manifest as aggression or hostility.
For individuals who haven’t fully come to terms with the end of their marriage, these intense emotions can create a sense of bitterness. The divorce may feel like an attack on their identity, self-worth, or life goals, and they may lash out in response. In extreme cases, they may feel the need to “punish” their ex-partner, seeing the divorce as a personal affront that must be avenged.
2. Revenge and Vindictiveness
Sometimes, meanness in a divorce stems from a desire for revenge. If one spouse feels wronged—whether due to infidelity, betrayal, financial misconduct, or other grievances—they may take a vindictive approach to the separation. The aim isn’t just to end the marriage, but to hurt the other person emotionally, financially, or in other ways.
Revenge can become a driving force for some individuals, especially if they feel they’ve been humiliated or abandoned. This emotional motivation can manifest as petty behavior, manipulation, or trying to get back at the other spouse through the courts, social media, or even by involving family and friends in the conflict.
3. Power and Control Issues
Divorce often leads to significant changes in power dynamics. One spouse may feel as though they are losing control over their life, finances, children, or future. In these cases, meanness may be an attempt to maintain some degree of control.
In high-conflict divorces, this power struggle can escalate quickly, especially when children, property, or finances are involved. A spouse who feels powerless in the divorce process may resort to aggressive tactics to regain some sense of authority, even if it means acting unreasonably or cruelly.
In some instances, controlling behaviors can be deeply ingrained, especially in cases involving emotional or psychological abuse. If one spouse has a history of controlling the other, the end of the marriage may prompt them to use manipulation, threats, or intimidation to maintain dominance.
4. Fear of Change and the Unknown
Divorce represents a major life transition, and the fear of change can make people act out of character. Many individuals struggle with the uncertainty that comes with life after divorce—concerns about finances, relationships, and how to move forward. This fear can breed insecurity, and in some cases, it leads to defensive, harsh behavior toward the other spouse.
For people who are anxious about the future, striking out at their ex may feel like a way to regain some form of control over the situation. In this context, mean behavior can stem from the intense stress of facing an unfamiliar, often terrifying, new reality.
5. Financial Stress and Anxiety
Divorce is not just an emotional and psychological burden; it’s also often a financial one. Splitting assets, paying legal fees, and adjusting to a single-income household can create significant stress. In high-net-worth divorces, the stakes may be even higher, with battles over property, spousal support, and child support contributing to heightened animosity.
Financial insecurity can make people more combative and less cooperative, as they may fear losing resources or their standard of living. When money is at stake, some individuals become hyper-focused on “winning” in court, viewing the divorce settlement as a zero-sum game where any concession to the other side is a loss.
6. The Need for Validation
In some cases, mean behavior during a divorce may be a response to feelings of inadequacy or a need for validation. Some individuals, especially those who feel that they’ve been unfairly judged or misunderstood during the marriage, may act out as a way of asserting their value or “right” to be heard.
If someone feels that their contributions to the marriage were overlooked or that they were unjustly blamed for the divorce, they may engage in hostile behaviors to validate their emotions or to prove that they were the “wronged” party. For example, someone who feels they were unfairly accused of being the cause of the breakup might go to great lengths to portray themselves as the victim.
7. Poor Communication Skills
In some cases, meanness is less about intent and more about poor communication skills. Many people who are experiencing intense emotions during a divorce may have difficulty expressing themselves in a healthy, constructive manner. Instead of having an open, honest conversation about their feelings, they may resort to passive-aggressive behavior, sarcasm, or direct insults.
This can escalate if the person feels that their needs or desires are being ignored or dismissed. Sometimes, meanness is simply a form of expressing frustration when healthier communication methods are unavailable or unlearned.
8. External Pressure and Influence
Divorce doesn’t happen in a vacuum, and external influences—such as family, friends, or new partners—can make matters worse. A spouse might act mean or spiteful if they are receiving advice from others to “stand their ground” or “fight for what’s rightfully theirs,” regardless of the long-term consequences.
In some cases, a new partner may encourage aggressive behavior as a way of ensuring the spouse’s loyalty or allegiance. Additionally, family and friends who are aligned with one party may intensify the conflict, leading to greater hostility and meanness.
9. Unresolved Emotional Baggage
Finally, some people are simply carrying a lot of unresolved emotional baggage from the marriage that spills over during the divorce process. Old resentments, anger, or hurt that wasn’t dealt with during the marriage can erupt during the divorce, especially if the person hasn’t taken the time to heal or process their emotions.
These feelings of resentment may lead someone to act in ways that feel disproportionate to the situation. For example, they might try to sabotage the other person’s reputation, prevent them from seeing the children, or attempt to cause emotional harm through harsh words or actions.
How to Deal with Mean Behavior in Divorce
If you find yourself dealing with a mean or vindictive spouse during your divorce, it’s important to stay focused on what’s best for you and your children. Here are some tips:
• Set Boundaries: Try to maintain clear boundaries with your spouse, especially if they are being hostile. This includes limiting communication to necessary matters and refusing to engage in arguments or negativity.
• Stay Calm and Composed: Responding to meanness with anger or aggression usually escalates the situation. Remaining calm can prevent things from getting worse.
• Seek Professional Support: Therapy or counseling, both for individuals and couples, can help process emotions and improve communication. A divorce mediator or family law attorney can also provide guidance on resolving conflicts fairly and legally.
• Focus on the Bigger Picture: Keep your focus on long-term goals—such as a fair division of property, co-parenting, and emotional well-being—rather than getting caught up in temporary disputes.
Conclusion
While it’s never easy to understand why some people act mean during a divorce, there are often deep-seated emotional, psychological, and practical factors at play. Recognizing that their behavior is a response to personal struggles, fears, and unresolved issues can help you take a step back and respond in a more constructive way. By focusing on your own healing and navigating the process with a level head, you can minimize the emotional impact of the conflict and move forward into a new chapter of life.
TO SPEAK TO AN ATTORNEY AT FAMILY LEGALSERVICES, P.C., PLEASE CALL (603) 225-1114.
Jeffrey A. Runge, Esquire
141 Airport Road
Concord, NH 03301
(603) 225-1135
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